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Killer Pad (2008)

Director: Robert Englund
Starring: Daniel Franzese, Eric Jungman, Shane McRae, Emily Foxman
Rated R Running time: 84 minutes
Released by Lions Gate

On the film's DVD cover, just above the kind of artwork that screams "zany comedy", is a blurb announcing that Killer Pad is "From the Producers of Dude, Where's My Car?". That should tell you all you really need to know about Robert Englund's not-so-triumphant return to the filmmaking saddle. His last movie, 976-EVIL, was a Nightmare on Elm Street redux full of tepid jolts and horrible one-liners spouted by a villain that was infintely more laughable than frightening. This time around, Englund forgoes all attempts to scare and tries to find yucks in a script where there are none to be found. After meeting with an Asian tranvestite mystic landlord (Mad TV's Bobby Lee), three college boys stumble into a *ahem* killer pad that turns out to be too good to be true. What's the problem you might ask? Well, the fancy, high-dollar house overlooking the Hollywood hills is located smack dab on top of a portal to hell. A Latino gardener (Hector Jimenez) tries to warn them that the place is evil, but the excessively dumb trio think that he is asking for hot sauce. Funny, eh? They finally figure out their dream home's secret when their house warming bash is rudely interrupted by the appearance of a hermaphroditic devil woman (Emily Foxman) and her crew of demonic babes. Joey Lawrence shows up as himself, people start getting killed in amusing ways, and a drunken priest staves off the power of Satan by performing an impromptu sing-a-long of Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night". Yes, it's that kind of movie.

Killer Pad knows it's dumb, and is damn proud of it. It's also grating, obnoxious, and worst of all, thoroughly unfunny. Englund should be slapped - HARD - for refusing to even try to give this useless little clunker even the smallest amount of sleaze appeal. There are tons of hot chicks in this film, but there is no nudity or sex. There are a number of crazy death scenes, but a disappointing lack of gore. Robert (Lightning Bug, Laid to Rest) Hall's make-up effects look very nice, but the digital FX look like something straight out of the Sci-Fi Channel's stock footage department. The disc features a "making of" doc that is nothing more than a commercial for the Viper Filmstream digital camera. Too bad Englund doesn't know how to light a scene or edit footage in a more coherent manner. The Viper camera is very nice indeed, but would be better employed in the hands of more competent directors. Sorry, Freddy. I liked you better when you were buried under latex.

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