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28.7.14

The Ironbound Vampire (1997)


Director: Karl Petry
Starring: Richard Matyskiel, Deana Enoches, Suzanne Lenore, Dennis Drenth, Conrad Brooks, Delores Fuller
Not rated 59 min

Seeing the name "Conrad Brooks" in the credits should tell you all you need to know. THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE is an ultra-low budget, shot-on-video movie filmed in beautiful Newark, New Jersey. The confusing plot seems to deal with a World War I vet who has turned into a vampire and is killing people in modern day Newark. I lost the ability to follow what was going on about fifteen minutes in. Ed Wood regular Conrad Brooks (PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE) and John Link (from the spectacular LORD OF THE G-STRINGS) play the vampire's henchmen. Another Wood vet, Dolores Fuller (BRIDE OF THE MONSTER), has a bit part in a party scene. At times, it's difficult to tell if this is supposed to be a comedy or a horror film. In the end, it's neither. In fact, the only thing that distinguishes this from a home video is the terrible acting. IMDB states that this movie was originally in color, but the version I watched (off a Mill Creek set) was in black-and-white, which probably helped blunt the chintziness of it all.

While THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE is pretty bad, it's not as awful as THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA. Do yourself a favor and skip both of them.  Only watch this if you want to see what New Jersey people looked like in the 90's.

Conrad Brooks and John Link in THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE


Richard Matyskiel transforms into THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE

27.7.14

Night of the Bloody Apes (1969/1972)



Director: Rene Cardona, Jerald Intrator
Starring: Armando Silvestre, Norma Lazareno, Jose Elias Moreno, Carlos Lopez Moctezuma
Unrated 81 min.

Do you like masked wrestling women? Do you like mad scientists? Do you like musclebound half-ape madmen who attack and strip the clothes off terrified women? Are you a fan of medical footage? Well, I’ve got a movie for you: NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, possibly the most ludicrous and incomprehensible film to find its way onto the video nasty list.

NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES started out as a wrestling/monster movie by Rene Cardona. The original story involved a surgeon who transplants a gorilla heart into his dying son. The unintended consequence of this act is that the son is transformed into a hulking, gorilla-faced maniac who becomes a raping and killing nuisance to the community. A lady wrestler and her detective boyfriend spring into action to stop the creature.



A few years later, distributors decided to punch things up a bit. Jerald Intrator came on board, added in a truckload of sex and gore scenes, and dubbed it (badly) into English. The end result is that NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES became a dramatically different movie than the relatively tame Cardona version. While they certainly succeeded in making the movie much, much sleazier, they did nothing to make it more coherent. This movie also has some of the worst dialogue translation you’ll ever hear, which adds a surreal edge to an already insane movie.

Before

After

What NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES is selling is sleazy thrills involving nude women, a horny monster, and buckets of stage blood. The beast attacks several women, but makes sure he strips them completely nude before he gets down to the business of killing them. A throat gets ripped out, a scalp gets torn off, and in the goriest moment, an eyeball gets gouged out of a screaming victim. And to really get the audiences attention, Intrator added in a long scene of real open heart surgery. I suppose he wanted to cover all the bases.

See it once, just to experience the madness that is NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES.

Rene Cardona also made the incredible and surreal SANTA CLAUS, a movie that probably traumatized children all over the world.

2.5 out of 5.